i’m doing it again. i’m starting to take multiple espresso shots throughout the day. the way some people use alcohol or pills to escape reality is the way i use espresso, but in the opposite direction. it seems like i’m always seeking clarity and focus. i crave sobriety. i crave a clear mind and ample energy. i’d work (at something i enjoy) all day if i could. and espresso just about allows me to. i broke this habit a few months ago when i learned that espresso, and large amounts of caffeine in general, are pretty terrible for you. right now you as the reader are nodding and thinking that you already knew that. but see, i didn’t. i didn’t grow up in a coffee-drinking household, and i didn’t drink coffee until the start of this year. i love a cold red bull can in my hands, but coffee…nah. and technically, i still don’t drink coffee. only when there’s no espresso around. espresso allows me to get the caffeine fix i want in a quick little shot without the pain of sipping warm bitter brown-ish soup. and like i said, i broke the habit not too long ago, which only proves that it wasn’t much of a habit to begin with. because like i said, i don’t really like it. but here i am, almost two full months into working 6 days a week every week, and i’m back at clicking that espresso machine every chance i get.
i know i’ve got a casual tone about this, but i’m actually pretty upset with myself. daily i say confessions; things like “I am healthy. I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.” i say them about everything and anything in my life, having located scriptures that declare goodness over finances, family, my husband, my children…and even my energy. if i’m declaring that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” and that “Isaiah 40:29-31 says God will renew the strength of the weary”, then why am i relying on caffeine 2-3 times a day? you may think this a non-factor, but i know myself well enough to know that i don’t need any extra additives like this in my diet. with enough sleep, plenty of water, vegetables, and sunshine, i maintain a perfectly normal energy balance. so enough of this caffeine. and no more red bull. from this day on, you’re only getting pure jasmine. organic me.
and you’ll thank me. caffeine actually makes pms symptoms worse, and if there’s one thing i can’t stand, it’s a woman complaining that she’s pms’ing. every now and then i find myself getting ready to blame something on pms, and i have to say “Shutup woman! Don’t do it! Blame it on anything but pms!” but lately, i really think that pms is exactly what’s to blame for one or two less than stellar moments i’ve had over the past year. my mother says it worsens with age. not me. no way. i’ll show her. i’ll find a scripture, and i’ll take some aleve or some advil, and i’ll pray my way out of it. no more emotional outbursts, no more getting mad and seeing red.
but i do want to see orange. i’ve decided that orange is going to be my break-out color for fall this year. like women that discuss pms, i equally dislike when people talk about ‘in’ colors for a given season. it’s so silly. and yet here i am, one day after “fashion’s night out” claiming that orange is oh so cool. yesterday i changed out of a rachel roy dress and into an orange lace top and black harem pants for the night. neither of those last two items cost more than twenty dollars apiece, but when paired with simple, shiny accessories they made for a great outfit. and lastly, there was an apron layered over all of it, seeing as how i was serving the people, not mingling amongst them.
what you’ll find me wearing tomorrow is unbeknownst to me. it won’t be orange, haven’t got enough of it yet. and it won’t be black, ’cause i feel like celebrating. it won’t be high-maintenance. it will be light. it will be simple and clean. it will be decaf.