“But, but brother– if you and I don’t get married, what will happen to our people? We have to end this cycle of marriage decline among Blacks! Who’s gonna step up and save our race by saving Black families if WE don’t?!”
I started reading what’s known as the “Purple Book” in our Church. Apparently, it’s what they ask you to read when you enroll in pre-marital counseling, but it’s also recommended for anytime use. One of our friends joked that there’s an engagement ring waiting for me when I get to the end, so I jumped on it. Not only does it match my sheets, but it also challenges me. ‘Am I really ready for marriage?’ There’s a questionnaire on page 4 that asks you to make a list of 10 things you really like about yourself. That’s easy. But I’m having trouble ignoring the bad things about myself. So far, this is what my list looks like:
SMART…but sweats profusely when asleep.
LOVING…as well as slightly OCD about cleanliness.
GENEROUS…and a nail-biter.
That nail-biter status wavers up and down. I broke this habit before, but it came back when I started this blog. My nails are actually my number one worry about getting engaged. I’d hate to have a ring slipped over an ugly finger. So God, if you could prompt him to ask after I’ve had a manicure, I’d really like that.
And yeah, I guess you know my secret now. The one I hide from everyone: that I don’t have a headboard. And that I wear glasses and read books while wearing Brandon’s clothes instead of something like this. I can’t explain why not having a headboard bothers me so much, but it does. I’m creative and enjoy design literature– Design*Sponge now has a book in print y’all!–, but I never give my room much attention. I just refuse to invest in a bed when I don’t…you know…have sex. Brandon and I started living by the Word almost two years ago, and I’ve been without sex ever since. So it’s only me sleeping in my bed, and I’ll leave it the way it is for now. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it all the time, day and night. The headboard that is. Like all young people in a relationship, we’re eager to do things that other couples get to do, but until we’re married I’ll be channeling all of my pent-up energy on decorating my refrigerator. Sigh.
We celebrated Brandon’s birthday earlier in the week. It was a cute but simple celebration compared to the years past. For example, last year Brandon was surprised and taken to a football game. I told him we were going to a picnic in the park, but I kidnapped him at the last minute, put him on a train to New Jersey, and we watched the Titans beat the Giants. Or the Giants beat the Titans, I can’t remember. This year he only got an envelope. I slid it across the table in a dimly lit restaurant once my salad arrived. Inside were two tickets to the Jay-Z and Kanye West concert. His face was frozen for a split second, until he burst into the biggest smile. Then remembering himself, he went back to playing it cool. “Who’s the other ticket for?” he asked. I shrugged and said, “For whoever you’d like to take.” He laughed, and eventually offered it to me. I am so NOT a Jay-Z fan– love his wife though!–, so I’m not sure what I’ll be doing during the first half of the show. I hope Kanye West pulled a “Kanye West” and demanded that he have more time. Because I could watch him all day.
I’m a free agent now, and I’m on my way to Atlanta tomorrow for a few days. This will be my first Leadership Conference with my Church and the first step I take toward my new goals. Keep me in your prayers that it’s a great learning experience. I’m sure it will be, and I’m ready to celebrate my new season. I’m really into Lykke Li (again), and her song “Everybody But Me” explains my dilemma in how to celebrate.
What am I to do?
Should I go home still sober
Should I buy me another glass of wine
And everybody’s dancing
I don’t want to
And everybody’s toying
I don’t want to
I’m very careful not to listen to everything on the radio, and most of Lykke Li is friendly to my ears. Her song just sums up how I feel when I think about drinking (don’t want to!) or smoking (don’t want to!) or getting wild like times gone past…but I wanna dance regardless! If you’ve never heard this song, listen to it the next time you want to escape mainstream radio OR pretend you’re in an Apple commercial. And if you’ve heard this song a million times, check out her awesome live performance of it from NYC. Her Pandora station is on a lot when I blog.
I’ll be back in a few days. I left you with plenty to do and think about until then. Waving at you from the plane when you look up to see the sun…
Written to: Lykke Li (various songs); Lionel Richie “Hello”; Michael Jackson “Liberian Girl”