The lesbian I love, guns, my Dad, using God as a hashtag, electric bills, and work issues are just some of the topics we’ve GOT to discuss. Bear with me as I roll this big ‘ol thang out in 4 or 5 parts. And people who know me well enough to know I rarely finish these so called “to be continued” posts, I’ll have you know I already wrote them. SO THERE! — God, I’ve missed you.
I reached an arm inside and felt for the light before walking into our apartment, which was more charming and cleaner than I remembered leaving it. Brandon crossed the threshold and made a beeline for the stove. He turned a knob until the pilot click-click-clicked and then swooshed into a tiny flame. I started to undress out of my travelling clothes, and watched as he tested another stove eye, and another, until I said, “What are you doing?”
“I, uh, forgot to pay the gas bill before we left so I’m making sure there’s heat.”
I spun around.
“Oh calm down,” he interrupted with. “I forgot to pay the bills, but the lights are on, so that’s good. Maybe I paid the electric bill?… But I don’t think so. Guess we’ll find out.” Then he shrugged, squeezed out of the fancy shoes he insisted on flying in, and casually walked away.
I laughed. I didn’t want to, but I did. And in that moment I realized just how much I missed my blog. Like a best friend that you keep forgetting to call back even though you managed to upload Instagram photos all day long, I was guilt-ridden and excited to catch up at the same time.
But first, I had to remember what the password for my laptop was, and that took a day or two. I’ve got a thing about passwords, and here’s a little secret: all of mine are Bible scriptures. BOOM! I know, I know, your mind is blown. Do you need a second? I mean think about it, in a modern world where “strong passwords” demand letters, numbers and symbols, scriptures contain all three. For online banking I use the Old Testament. For my email, I like the proverbs. The upside is you learn new scriptures. And the problem is, you’ve got to remember them all.
“SHIT!” I cried after my computer locked me out for attempting to enter the wrong password too many times.
No one was around. And no one would have known I said it, but I wanted you to know I said it. I plan to be straight-up when I relate to people, so they leave shaken, and get stirred up for God.
I wanted you to know that I’ve been cursing for the past few weeks, and that I’m not going to do that anymore – or conform to what seems to be the only way to curry favor at work. If I can’t succeed by being myself, then I will fail in man’s eyes knowing God is pleased with me. I can no longer be the negative person who slanders others because they feel insecure about their own clothes, college degree, or taste in music. I can no longer hope to be more like others, if it makes me feel less like myself. I can pray for the one with small feet to be as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside, and for the older one to be as mature as her years indicate. I can pray that my projects be excellent, but can no longer carry their stress home with me. I can pray for all of us to drown in a sea of grace.
And I can return to applying the same Christian principles to my own life as I gave to others when they were in the same boat. I made that decision midday, and by two p.m. my company congratulated me on a great year, noting that ‘saying what I really think and leading by example’ are two of my biggest accomplishments. Sweet Jesus, they’ve put microphones in the bathroom and they’ve heard me begging God for the strength to represent Him with kindness, wisdom, and humility. Um, awesome.
And so, my very happy new year has begun with me unshackling myself from what was weighing me down at the end of last year. I feel lighter. Heck, I am lighter. Five, almost six pounds lighter to be exact AND I AM EXACT. How’s this all happening you ask? Well I’m currently torturing myself, I mean training myself by running an average of 3.5 miles each day in preparation for a half-marathon in March, and today it feels possible. Everything feels possible.
Written to: alot of Cee-lo; Katy Perry “Roar”; some gospel mashup I found on SoundCloud.