The Last Day of September

September 30, 2016:

Yours truly just returned from the grocery store. It’s been a productive day! I’ve only slacked twice. Normally, I turn the television off the moment Brandon is done watching the morning news – and by news, I mean ESPN’s Sports Center which he honestly believes is the same thing – but this morning I left the television on so I could finish watching a broadcast about that awful train crash in New Jersey. Text messages were sent to every person that I know of who currently commutes through Hoboken. I was so concerned that I actually wished I had the cell phone number of my old colleague from The Amazing Foundation. I miss her, sometimes. I miss The Amazing Foundation too.

I kicked off today with intense, desperate prayer for wisdom about the state of our kitchen. I stood at the deep sink in a hideous blue, flowered bathrobe and cheerfully told Brandon to have a great day. He thanked me for it in a distant manner  that let me know he was really thinking about a) where he’d placed his headphones or b) he had already realized his headphones were still in his office and was now contemplating how angry I’d be if he “accidentally” took mine. (Very angry. Very, very angry.)

“See you later tonight. Dinner is chili. We’ll watch a movie on the couch. … WE’LL NETFLIX AND CHILI! Ha ha! See what I did there?!” I said.

“…Yeah,” he said. Just like that, flat. I didn’t let his failure to realize how funny that was get to me. I can’t help it if he can’t see that underneath this awful robe and crazy hair is a witty, gorgeous woman who just needs a break. No, no. I remain mature and joyful, letting the *peace that transcends all understanding make this moment ok too. I just finished washing the dishes and mentally planned my final day of working from home.

I did the last bit of the work The Chaotic Christian Company paid me to do. After that, I applied for a juicy job – one that I want, but will never, ever take unless the directive is hand-delivered by a large angel holding a golden scroll, an earthquake hits,  the Nile River turns to blood, the sky goes dark and a ram appears in a bush – AND THAT BUSH BETTER BE ON FIRE.

I answered more emails and reached out to friends. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment, and it occurred to me that although I’ve lost quite a bit in September, I still have insurance and I should be grateful. People are walking the lengths of subway cars right now begging for cash, and I can have my teeth cleaned every single day through the end of the year if I feel like it. For free.

Eventually, I realized that the television was still on so I moved to shut it off, but not before I scanned the stations. I “accidentally” pressed channel 11 for the Maury Povich show. The show was titled “My Sister is a Cheater…And That’s Not Your Baby!”.  I’m embarrassed that I flipped to this mess, enough to keep glancing back at my kitchen window to gauge whether anyone can see directly into my living room. Shouldn’t they be at work anyway? Pshhh, millennials. In my day, we had offices.

The main guest of the Maury Povich show is named… September. SEPTEMBER! Just like this wicked month that’s blindsided me with more bad news than I bargained for. I took this as a sign of something deeper, something spiritual and sunk back into the couch to let the wisdom of Pastor Povich wash over me. September believes the man sitting two chairs-lengths away from her is the father of her child. In the end though, he wasn’t. And I didn’t learn a damn thing.

I made a grocery list with everything that I needed for the next 3 meals, because I’m a Boss Wife. I can still wife, even if I can’t get a handle on the rest of my life. I even checked the weather to see when the next rainstorm was expected, and it told me that rain will fall from the sky whenever it damn well pleases. Even though I’m thinking about this when I choose my shoes, I forget to bring an umbrella with me.

In the store, I found that everything had been moved around for the 10th time this year. This is the most ambitious grocery store I’ve ever visited. They are never satisfied. It’s like a home improvement show only with pancetta and bananas instead of hammer and nails. While there, I bought tube-free toilet paper – and that’s good for the earth folks! You don’t need the tube! How much cardboard waste could we reduce if everyone bought tube-free toilet paper?

In my head, I was being interviewed by Jon Stewart on how I’m doing my part to save the earth when I realized that I left my reusable shopping bags at home. Next to my umbrella. (WHY?)

So I eventually left the store. With approximately 20 plastic bags. And I walked home in the rain.


I think today was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time.


*People are asking me how I’m still smiling. My strength is found in God; in His Word. Philippians 4:6-7 is true, y’all. It’s true. So peace be unto us both.


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